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    We've had it completely backwards for decades,...

    We've had it completely backwards for decades, and it's something that's embarrassed me ever since the first time I looked it up in the dictionary. Again, alcohol is a narcotic, weed is not.
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    Alcohol is a narcotic. THC is not a narcotic.

    Alcohol is a narcotic. THC is not a narcotic.
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    Not even close.

    Not even close.
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    I know what the fuck a goddamned narcotic is and...

    I know what the fuck a goddamned narcotic is and weed ain't one of 'em, I promise you.
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    That's just plain fucking ridiculous.

    That's just plain fucking ridiculous.
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    Weed? Oh yeah, that's definitely a narcotic...

    Weed? Oh yeah, that's definitely a narcotic according to the US government, but the rest of us know better. Weed ain't even close to a narcotic. Not even close. What do you suppose is up with that?...
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    Are ya calmed down yet? No. Ok, lemme know....

    Are ya calmed down yet?

    No.

    Ok, lemme know.

    Ok. Perhaps I'll leave a message on the answering machine.

    No don't do that, man, I never listen to those things, gives me heartburn.
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    Don't talk to me of Halloween and Easter eggs,...

    Don't talk to me of Halloween and Easter eggs, I'll have none of it.

    Ok take it easy, dude.
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    Dude they threw me out of english lit in HS, do I...

    Dude they threw me out of english lit in HS, do I perceive some Portuguese in there somewhere?

    Dude who the hell knows? Do you realize how many ancestors we have? It's like off the charts, man.
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    Which one is really me? Both of course, and THEN...

    Which one is really me? Both of course, and THEN some.
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    I remember learning to ride a bike but that's...

    I remember learning to ride a bike but that's about it, the rest is a complete blur. Can someone give this guy an aspirin or something?
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    I have no video or anything.

    I have no video or anything.
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    Contrary to popular belief I can only assume I...

    Contrary to popular belief I can only assume I was born.
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    We had a couple at first but we had to cut 'em...

    We had a couple at first but we had to cut 'em loose. They kept sexually assaulting each other.
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    How do you even deal with an animal that ain't...

    How do you even deal with an animal that ain't never been in 6 foot snow drifts before am I right?
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    She's got tail hairs bound with rubber bands,...

    She's got tail hairs bound with rubber bands, surely that counts for something.

    Don't call me surely, we don't take kindly to that 'round these parts.

    You got camel rides?

    No. They don't...
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    Ah yes but does she have an ear? Doubtful.

    Ah yes but does she have an ear? Doubtful.
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    My great gramma collects cow stuff.

    My great gramma collects cow stuff.
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    Three please. Thanks. I hope y'all got some...

    Three please. Thanks. I hope y'all got some cotton candy in there, the kids have been chewing on the car seats all the way here.

    Yes ma'am, we also have live monkey races. Have a wonderful time.
    ...
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    Is there a club handy? No but you can use this...

    Is there a club handy?

    No but you can use this umbrella if you'd like.

    Whalebone?

    Catalin.

    Ok well thanks anyway.
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    Everyone needs at least two acres. Is there...

    Everyone needs at least two acres. Is there enough ground on earth to accommodate everyone? I don't know, I'm terrible with math.
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    Sure, you call it applesauce but we know what it...

    Sure, you call it applesauce but we know what it really is. I'm sure there's a few stems in there as well and maybe a seed or two to boot. And that plastic stuff, what the hell is that? You gotta be...
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    I've had a pretty hard life. I was fed apple...

    I've had a pretty hard life. I was fed apple peels as a child.
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    Also I have considerable trouble at supermarkets....

    Also I have considerable trouble at supermarkets. It seems I never leave in the same vehicle I came in.
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    Look, I can't sew for shit. I think that makes me...

    Look, I can't sew for shit. I think that makes me pretty manly.
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