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  1. #12001
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    You got a quarter?

    Money don't grow on fence posts, son.

  2. #12002
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    A dime?

    Wait, I'll check ...

    Nope. All I've got is a couple of pennies I like to keep for the parking meter.

  3. #12003
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    Some lady's dog is pissing on this parking meter and I'm like ... excuse me ma'am but isn't there some kind of statute or ordinance against that? And she's like ... Jesus loves you and I'm like ... ok nevermind. Have a nice day now.

  4. #12004
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    Just trying to stay positive, ya know? Well when I asked her where her dog's mask was, she threw half a burrito at me then walked away.

  5. #12005
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    Caught me right in the chin.

  6. #12006
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    I'm standing there hollering; what was the expiration date on the package? But she just kept on walking.

  7. #12007
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    Anyway I ate the damned thing and am here at the emergency room. Please come and get me at your earliest convenience.

  8. #12008
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    The Bronco's got a flat.

    Ask uncle Charlie if you can borrow his snowmobile.

    Ok. I should be there in forty five minutes or so.

    Bring hallucinogen drugs.

    Ok.

  9. #12009
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    Be right back, kids. Just going to the store for an onion and to pick up daddy.

    You're not attempting to make chili again are you?

    No, honey. Just experimenting with onion soup, now you keep them kids in line ya hear?

    Aye mum. It'll be martial law till you come back.

  10. #12010
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    Look, my mother was a crossing guard at the local grade school for thirteen years.

    I can't help that, now get hold or yourself man.

    You still remember the resistor color code, right?

    You bet I do.

  11. #12011
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    Are you between the ages of fifty and eighty five?

    Um ... no.

    Well nevermind then.

  12. #12012
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    Any purple shoe laces?

    Nope.

    Ok, just checking.

  13. #12013
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    Life is serious business, mister.

    Tell me about it. I ain't never seen such shit in my whole life.

    How old are you?

    I don't know for sure. I stopped counting around age 89.

  14. #12014
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    Must be you got the Covid vax.

    Yep. I'm fully protected now.

    But no lollipop, right?

    Right. How'd you know?

    Lucky guess.

  15. #12015
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    If you can't beat your kids, what the hell good is procreating?

  16. #12016
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    You might as well spend your time trying to fix that leak under the sink.

    You coming to bed, honey?

    Be right there, dear, I almost got it.

  17. #12017
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    I think I've been pretty fair so far.

    Yes you've been doing a wonderful job. Keep up the good work.

    Honey can you write snowshoes on the list?

    Yes, dear. Is that one word or two?

    Only your spellchecker knows for sure.

  18. #12018
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    Do you love God?

    I don't know.

    Ok hit him again, father. Better turn it down to 60v just in case.

  19. #12019
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    I reckon I won't be famous till I'm dead.

  20. #12020
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    Can you please try to stay on topic?

    No. That's no fun.

    Ok w/e. I just wanna know one thing ... do you or do you not like prunes.

    They're ok I guess.

    How many jars can you eat in a day?

    Well now that's a different question. I ain't sure I got the teeth for that.

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